Moving Forward

I just wanted to check in! We are all doing well over here. The first week of Rob back to work has gone well. It really helped me that I watched a friend's child for several months during the day. I was prepared for what it would be like to have 2, and I already had a system. I haven't had any problems so far. I have ran errands, gone grocery shopping, gone on walks, and taken them to the playground. Putting them down for a nap hasn't been an issue either. Luckily, both kids LOVE peanut butter and jelly sandwiches and fruit, so that has been an easy lunch. They are both EXTREMELY dramatic when it is time to get up from a nap. I find myself turning into a drill sargent. It goes a little something like this: "Time to wake up boys! I know you are still tired, but after a 2 hour nap, I don't want you up all night. Whining doesn't work on me, so get out of bed! Jacob, it doesn't matter to me if you don't want your diaper changed - you have to do it! Elijah, it is not too much work to go to the potty. No, I cannot carry you both down the stairs, so you both have to walk. You both have 2 legs, so stop whining and get downstairs! Get into your chairs for snack - I have seen you do it by yourself lots of times." Then I pull out the clementines for snack, and the whining suddenly stops. Goodness gracious!

But it is so wonderful. I really enjoy having 2. It is so much fun. They are such great kids. At nap time, Jacob took forever to fall asleep because he was up singing Veg.gie.Tal.es songs. It was very cute! 

Jacob is settling in very well. He seems very happy. He still gets very shy around strangers - which is understandable. We are trying to introduce him slowly to new things. He isn't afraid of going out of the house. He is really only hesitant about people coming up and talking to him. He takes awhile to warm up. Before dinner he threw a big tantrum because dinner wasn't ready exactly when he wanted it. Elijah does that sometimes too. In fact, so does Rob. :) These boys are hungry!

We had an appointment with the geneticist yesterday. She was very nice. She thinks that he likely does have Rothmund-Thomson syndrome. She didn't do any testing. She suggested that we wait and participate in the research studies. Which makes sense. They will have access to more. Plus it may cost us less. We have an appointment with the dermatologist coming up in a couple weeks. The geneticist said she would also like to hear what the dermatologist says. Jacob was not a happy camper when we had to take his shirt off to inspect. Poor guy. So next stop: dermatologist. Then ophthalmologist. Then, hopefully, Texas for the research study!

Taking a Step Back

So we have decided to step back from the potty training. He had been doing so well. Then yesterday he decided he did NOT want to do this anymore. He threw several huge tantrums and was holding in his poop. Finally, he got upset over something little and threw up. We immediately put his diaper back on. A couple hours later he pooped. He was a little weak the rest of the evening, but he got up and played. We gave him liquids only for the rest of the evening. He sang himself to sleep, and he woke up happy this morning.

Today is the first day of Rob being back to work. Elijah went to a playgroup this morning and Jacob and I went to the library. It has been a good day so far! Off I go to get the boys up from their nap!

Update!

We are plugging away over here! We decided to try potty training. At first it was like pulling teeth, but it is getting better. He can pee on the potty now. Although only when we initiate it - he isn't initiating it yet. But he certainly knows how to hold it. Especially his number 2. He didn't poop at all yesterday. Anyone have any tips on that (short of an enema!)? I know he has to go, because his diaper this morning had two tiny little pieces. Elijah was super easy to potty train, so I feel like I don't know what I am doing!

Jacob seems to be bulking up some. His diet in Korea was mainly rice and vegetables (according to his foster mother). She said he would spit out meat. But he certainly hasn't done that here. His appetite is increasing, and he is expanding his interests. He loves chicken. He was (and still is) a skinny little guy when he came home. Very healthy! Just thin. Which doesn't surprise me since he ate just rice and veggies! He is filling out some. At his doctor's visit, he was about 3/4 of an inch taller than Elijah but about .8 lb lighter than Elijah. Keep in mind that Elijah is pretty tall and he is also filling out some (which is what he does right before a growth spurt). Jacob was average height and close to the 25 percentile for weight (which is fine - his BMI is normal). I think I might put him on our scale and see where he is at now.

His grieving seems to go in waves. This morning he was a little sad, but once he ate he got better. He and Elijah have been happily playing. Jacob talked to Elijah in Korean, and Elijah seemed to understand it. Elijah stood up and said, "Ok" and walked over to where Jacob had been pointing. They also sang a Vegg.ie.tales song together. I can tell how much they love having each other, and their bond is really growing. In fact, we have to be intentional about separating the boys sometimes so that we can bond with Jacob as well. Which is a great problem to have!

Bonding and attachment takes time. But I can tell we have a great head start. He comes to us for comfort. He seems to trust that we will take care of him. He makes good eye contact. He seems to be much more on the serious side than Elijah is, but he gives us lots of smiles! And he will give kisses when we ask for them (which I LOVE). And he often walks around singing! :) His English is improving a lot. He can count mostly to 10 in English, and he seems to understand almost everything we say.

Bedtime is WAY better. We can just put him in his bed, put our hand on him for a second, tell him it is ok, and walk away. Having a body pillow for him to cuddle has been great. He doesn't cry anymore. I think it has also helped that we don't go straight from playing to getting ready for bed anymore. Since we have switched it, he hops right upstairs and into his bath happily.

I thought we had lots of bumps and scrapes and bruises with just Elijah. I was wrong! They play off of each other and run around a lot. Elijah has scraped himself in the same spot on his knee 4 times. And that is just 1 knee. Jacob is a little more careful than Elijah, but he still gets his fair share of bumps. Little boys are rough and tumble, but so much fun!

I know I have said this before, but I want to reemphasize that this transition has been extremely easy. For many people, sleep issues persist for 6 months to a year (not wanting to sleep alone and night terrors mainly).  Attachment issues have also been at a minimum for him. He doesn't have any sensory integration problems (which is also very common). He is getting his grief out in healthy ways. We were completely prepared for his special needs. He doesn't seem to have any trouble learning new things. I am not saying things couldn't change and get difficult. But we have been surprised at how easy it has been. We have been wondering if this is God's way of pushing us on to the next adoption.

2 Weeks Together

So Jacob has been with us for 2 weeks! And he is settling in nicely. He is acting just as his foster mother described. And he is smiling MUCH more! And....he has started giving kisses!!! He's not quite as huggy and kissy as Elijah - he gives hugs and kisses all day without me even having to ask for most of them. I still ask for them with Jacob, but I am happy with this victory!

When we met his foster mother, we asked lots of questions. One of those questions was what makes him upset. The only thing she said was "going to bed". And she said it with emphasis. We try to keep a tight nap and bedtime schedule. I feel it makes a big difference. I don't think Jacob is used to this. We were told that he doesn't usually nap, and if he does, he doesn't go to bed until like 11pm. Yikes! He fell easily into our schedule. But now he is feeling more comfortable to give us some push back. A couple nights ago he started whining when we go upstairs for nighttime bath/bed, and he started whining when we go for nap. He even started whining when we change his diaper. And it sometimes escalates into a very whiny cry with little to no tears. Once he is in bed, he calms down, but it is the anticipation. He just doesn't want to stop playing. He points to go downstairs.

We tried reasoning with him, and we tried comforting him. None of that was working. So we decided to change our approach starting yesterday. With a small whine, we redirect, but we keep pushing him through the routine. If he starts to get to his whine/cry (the one with no tears), then we continue to push him through the routine without giving much acknowledgement to the cry. Remember that we are still in the bonding/attachment phase, so leaving him alone to throw his tantrum or spanking is not an option. We also changed the nighttime routine slightly. We were doing: dinner, outside playtime, bath, and then bed. We changed it yesterday to outside playtime, dinner, bath and then bed. That way he isn't going from playing straight to getting ready for bed. And it worked much better. He still whined, but not nearly as bad. He is very smart, and I think he will catch on quick. Especially since we are starting from the beginning that the whining doesn't work on us. And I think he liked that. In fact, he wasn't completely asleep when we left him in his room. He managed to fall asleep without us in the room! And a couple nights ago he started sleeping through the night without us in there. Yay! These are really big accomplishments. Just for a point of reference, we were told that most kids don't reach this point until about 6 months to a year after placement. So this is HUGE! He even woke up this morning and sang in his bed until we came and got him. Hopefully he re-potty trains this easy. Maybe I'll start that in a week or 2. We also learned the hard way that skipping even 1 nap is not a good idea. We'll work up to that, but for now, a nap every day is in order!

In other news, Rob starts back to work on Monday. I am not looking forward to it. I am not concerned about whether I can handle two, but it is more about being spoiled by having Rob here to share the responsibilities. Also, we Daisy found a burrow in our yard of mice. Or voles. Not sure which one. And our neighbor found snakes - one her deck and one in her basement, so I'm pretty sure the two are related. I hope we don't get snakes! Or maybe just in our yard so they eat the rodents. But I just don't want either in the house. So now we have to deal with that and trying to keep Daisy from eating them. Yep, you read that right - eating them. That is how we found out we had them. She brought one inside last night and ate it. Then vomited in the middle of the night. I almost vomited too. I am waiting to hear back from the exterminator as to what we should do/what they can do. I want them gone before Rob goes back to work.

A Great Day!

So, many of you must have been praying after my last post! It may have come across as a little bit of a downer, but I am hoping that you see it more as a reality check. But we had a great day today, and I wanted to post about it.

We had a quiet morning at home. Jacob likes being at home, but it seems to be that when we go out, he clams up. Our first thought was that maybe he isn't ready to go out, but then we decided that maybe going out with just our family and then coming home would be good for him to feel secure. So after nap time, we went out.

We went to pet.sm.art and looked at the birds, fish, rodents, reptiles, and cats. The boys had a blast, and Jacob started to open up. He only wanted to be held if he wanted see something that was up high. He was running around and even cracked a few smiles. He was very interested in the animals, and he enjoyed looking at them. And Elijah had fun too. Elijah was so excited to see the animals. This is the first time I have brought him to the pet store. So that was a hit!

And then we went out to eat. We went to a local Korean restaurant. We were a little concerned that it might be too soon, but turns out it wasn't. He ate so good! The only thing that didn't work out is he ate something that hurt the sore in his mouth. And he screamed and cried. He has some lungs on him, so the entire restaurant was looking at us. I don't really care, though. After he calmed down, I announced (now that we had everyone's attention) that he had a sore in his mouth and the food hurt him. So back to eating. He cracked a few more smiles. He was so cute with his chop sticks. Even Elijah tried to use them!

Then we went to a playground. The boys had a blast. It was 7pm by this time, and the sun was below the trees. It was beautiful weather. We all had such a great time. Jacob was laughing and smiling. Then we all held hands on the way back to the car. We ran down this little hill, and it was like something from a movie. The boys were laughing and had a great time. Then Jacob smiled and sang all the way home - in the car! in his carseat! !!!! HUGE! Thank you for your prayers as he continues to adjust!

Doctor Appointment and Settling In

I strive to be honest about the joys and challenges of adoption without overburdening you with details, but I want to be clear: there are huge gains and great losses associated with adoption. There is joy and grief. It is wonderful and difficult.

The wait is grueling. You have no control and you have to just wait. There is no one to call and demand answers from - even if you do, you won't get any or you will jeopardize your adoption. Then the glorious day comes and you get to pick up your baby/child. But it is not quite as wonderful for your child as it is for you. Your child has just lost everything he/she has ever known. And that is after having already lost his/her birthmother. So this is loss number 2 (and for some kids it is loss number 3 or 4 or 5...). Then your child is taken away by strangers to a strange house to eat strange food and be spoken to in a strange language. The child has a lot to gain by this move, but he/she doesn't realize that and can't be expected to. The adjustment is often times difficult. And not just for the child. Siblings have to adjust.

And so do the adoptive parents. The child is just as much a stranger to them as they are to the child. Love is a daily choice for adoptive parents in those first few weeks. Sometimes even months. Those feelings of love grow with time as bonds are formed. As you weather life together and prove to be faithful, attachment follows. In the mean time, you must choose. Sometimes you feel love at first sight, but not usually. In the spirit of transparency, that is how it was for Rob and I with Elijah. We loved him and wanted him, but there was no "love at first sight". That grew as we met his needs and bonded. Now we are crazy about Elijah. And that is how it is with Jacob. We love him and want him forever. As we continue to meet his needs and get to know him, those feelings of love are growing. And we are excited to give both our boys all we can and provide for them and teach them to how to be men and teach them about Christ. And be there for him as he grieves his losses.

The last couple days he has been pretty quiet. He hasn't smiled as readily. He still has moments of fun with us, but he isn't all smiles. Not like the kid we see in pictures his foster mom sent him. I know it will take time. I can't wait to see the real him come out. He is emotionally fragile and cries at the drop of a hat. Even for small things, it takes longer than you would think to calm him down. He is coming around. I think it doesn't help that he hurt his lip. And he has a sore in his mouth. It seems to hurt him. I caught him dancing yesterday, and when I looked at him, he hid his face. So I know he'll get there. And in all reality, he is doing much better then some kids do. He wants to bond with both Rob and I. He makes an effort. He is such a good kid.

He is very smart. He can do a puzzle very easily. It only takes one time of showing him how to do something to pick up on it. He also is obedient. It doesn't take much to get him to obey when we ask him to do something - even sharing with his younger brother. He is picking up on English fairly easily. He imitates what we say and what Elijah says. He can understand most things that we say. He used to call himself "Jacob JinWon", but now he just calls himself "Jacob". He is funny about some things. He prefers his shoes and hat to be loose. He likes to make sure his plate and cup are in just the right spot in front of him. He is getting better about eating on his own, but he still looks to us for permission to take most bites. Unless he is very hungry! He is willing to try anything - which is great! He doesn't seem to like green veggies (see? smart!). He takes FOREVER to eat. He takes a bite. If he is using utensils, he puts it down. Then he chews it to death. He looks around. Takes a sip of drink. Then we have to remind him to take another bite. And it starts all over again. We are usually waiting around for like 20 minutes after everyone else is done. Which is tough for Elijah who tears through every meal. Again, unless he is really hungry. Sleep continues to be an issue, but even that is getting better. He falls asleep very easily, but one of us must be there while he sleeps. We have gotten to the point that we can be out of the room for a short amount of time, but if he halfway wakes up, looks for us and cries until we come and comfort him. I bought him a body pillow yesterday, and that helped out a lot. One of us still sleeps in his room at night, and stays in his room for nap times.

We had a doctor's appointment on Friday. The appointment went long, but good. I had a long list of things I wanted to ask the pediatrician. She is really great. Like really great! She came prepared to the appointment. She read through all his records and did some research on Rothmund-Thomson Syndrome. I asked her a million questions. Our next step is to get to some specialists. We are going to go to a pediatric geneticist at VCU children's hospital. I would like for him to be rediagnosed with RTS and for them to look for a genetic mutation. They didn't find one in the normal spot, but I'd like for them to look again and look for a different mutation that has always been his differential diagnosis. Just because they don't see the mutation, doesn't mean he doesn't have RTS. About 33% of patients don't have the mutation for RTS, but still have the diagnosis. There is still a lot of research still being done. We are also going to a pediatric dermatologist at VCU and pediatric ophthalmologist in Newport News. I have a word of encouragement for anyone considering adopting a waiting child. Every diagnosis is different, but it seems to me that the special need isn't the toughest part. At least not at first. It is the transitioning. And every child - special needs or not - goes through that. So please do not be afraid to consider a waiting child!

Photos!

I got batteries today for my camera, so I am finally posting photos! Just a quick check-in: it was a little tougher day. Jacob and Elijah were running in circles, and Jacob tripped and busted his lip. His lip and nose was bleeding, and his lip got swollen. Poor guy. And while Jacob was crying screaming and I was trying to stop the bleeding, Elijah came up and was about to touch some blood that had gotten on my pants. I sharply told him to not touch it. It was lunch time, and he gets a little sensitive when he is hungry. So he started crying. Thank the Lord that Rob was here! It would have been a little tough to deal with if he wasn't. Then Jacob's lip was too sensitive to eat, so he cried when he tried to eat. Then Elijah cried because first his hands were messy and second for Jacob. I think he was sad that Jacob was so sad. So off they went for naps. Jacob was still a little sore and grumpy when he woke up, but he got better after a little while and was back to normal (except his swollen lip).

This is still in Seoul in the Hotel

Also still in Seoul. Isn't he cute with those chopsticks?!

On the plane right before landing

Brothers meeting for the first time

They wasted no time and went straight for the trains as soon as we walked in the door

Watching Thomas

His swollen lip - poor thing!

Another Day

So our sleeping arrangements are a little moved around for now. Jacob is used to his foster mother sleeping next to him on the floor on a mat. This is a cultural thing, and almost all Koreans do this. So being alone in a strange room in a bed is a little scary if you have never done that. So I sleep in the bed with Jacob, and Rob sleeps on the floor. Jacob transitioned no problem into the bed. We have just had to be very careful, as he will roll right off. So we have had to move the guardrail to ensure his safety! He has slept all through the night both nights. But last night, I did not. He moved around so much. And I had to rescue him from rolling off a couple times (hence why we moved the guardrail around). And he whined in his sleep a little bit. And grinded his teeth a lot. I'm sure it is stress related. Poor little guy. I made a dentist appointment for him, so hopefully we can see if he has been always doing it, or if this is a temporary thing.

He has been adjusting really well. He and Elijah LOVE each other. They play so well together. Elijah loves to make Jacob laugh. Elijah is very affectionate, and he is always giving Jacob hugs and kisses. Jacob gives hugs to all of us (which is so cute to see the two of them hugging - we have never asked them to do it, they do it on their own!), but he has yet to give any kisses. Which is ok. He will come around! Elijah has proven to be a natural leader. Jacob follows Elijah around everywhere. And Elijah is not a bossy kid, so he handles it well. He sees Jacob as a great playmate. He even sets an example for Jacob. We put Elijah in his car seat and Jacob watched. And then he went into the car seat no problem - no wild animal screams. 

Jacob pee'd in the potty another time this morning, but has refused to try again today. I think it shows that he knows how to do it, he is just not ready yet. We made an outing today to Colonial Williamsburg and he and Elijah did great. They ate their Chi.ck-f.il-a and then played. There was a concert out there, so we brought our chairs and marked a little area for them to play. It was lots of fun. He even got to meet one of Elijah's best friends from next door. The three of them ran in circles in the front. So much energy! Sometimes Elijah and Jacob giggle about nothing! It is precious.

I can tell the attachment process is moving along well. He looks to us for approval and reassurance. He snuggles us so closely - especially when he is falling asleep. He trusts us. And he called me Mommy again today. He wanted me to go get something for him and he said, "Mommy! [insert Korean words in a pleading tone that I don't understand while he was pointing down the steps at a toy that had gone down there]." So of course I jumped up and did exactly what he wanted! As far as language, he talks a lot in Korean. We don't understand, but if he needs something, we can usually figure it out. And he is really starting to understand what we are saying. I told him to put the truck down and go get in his chair so we could eat. I didn't point or anything. And he did it. I was so proud of him! He has tried to imitate a few words in English already. I think he'll pick it up quick.

I am sorry that I don't have any pictures today. My camera died, and I need to get some more AA batteries tomorrow. So hopefully I can post some tomorrow!

Homecoming

We were up bright and early on Monday to catch the 6:23am bus to the airport. Jacob wasn't a fan of being up that early, but he did fine. At the airport, Jacob had a great time watching the airplanes take off and land. Our flight left at 10:30, and it seriously couldn't have gone smoother. We ate and played for a couple hours. Then he slept for a couple hours. Then he played quietly for the remainder of the flight. The flight was a total of 13 and a half hours. And he was GREAT. It was so uneventful, that I don't have much to say about it. He cried a little at the very end when we were landing and his ears were popping, and he refused to drink some water or eat his lollipop. Plus he was so tired. Then we had to go through immigration. When you bring in a newly adopted child who has an immigrant visa and not a US passport, you have to travel with an immigration packet that has a ton of info in it. So after the first immigration officer looked through our paperwork, we had to go to a second one who did the exact same thing. Then we got our bags and went through customs. The first customs officer required us to go through another customs line to have our bags x-ray'd and ask us some more questions from a second customs officer. Thankfully, they didn't require a full search of our bags. Finally, a third customs officer welcomed Jacob to the US. Whew. That process took like an hour. We headed out to our car, and it was obvious how incredibly tired Jacob was.

And then there was the carseat. OH MY GOODNESS. He has obviously never been in a carseat in his life. When we strapped him in, he screamed like a wild animal. For the next 20 minutes, he screamed and cried and tried to break loose from his carseat. You would have thought it was eating him! Poor kid. I pulled out the ipod touch and showed him how to play a game. That quieted him down for a few minutes, until he let out a tired cry and feel asleep for the remainder of the drive home (which was about 3 hours total).

When we got home, Elijah ran out to us and got so excited to see Jacob. He kept saying "Jacob!" and pointing to him. It was cute to watch. Elijah was so excited and Jacob was checking Elijah out. Elijah has a very sweet and loving nature. He loves to make people laugh. And Jacob warmed up to him right away. It wasn't long before they were playing with trains and Elijah was making Jacob laugh. Elijah was showering him with hugs and kisses. Elijah also showed him the ropes. It was easier to show Jacob what we were doing when we did it with Elijah first. For example, we were able to get in our first good teeth brushing because Elijah showed him it is no big deal. And the bath was adorable. The boys had a blast playing in the water! And at night when we were saying our prayers, Elijah reached over and gave Jacob a huge hug, and that made Jacob very happy. It also made Mommy and Daddy very happy. And now we are in the playroom watching as they are playing and laughing.

Sleep went pretty well too. Probably out of sheer exhaustion, but we went to bed around 9, and woke up around 6. Rob and I are still exhausted, but that was way more sleep than I thought we would get. I slept in the bed with Jacob, and Rob slept on the floor. He is used to sleeping on the floor with his foster mother, so it will take some time to transition him to sleep in his room by himself. He took to the bed no problem, but I doubt he will sleep alone for at least a few weeks.

He was mostly potty trained while in Korea, but once we got him, he regressed. Once he is ready, it will probably be pretty easy since he has been potty trained before, and Elijah is already potty trained. However, he pee'd in a plastic cup for this foster mother while in Korea rather than in the potty. I am not sure why. However, he pooped in the potty. Maybe that's a cultural thing. He did pee 1 time in the potty for us in Korea. We switched him to cloth diapers right after his bath, and he actually smiled when we put on the cloth diaper. I don't blame him. Those pull-ups do not seem comfy.

The language barrier isn't so bad. Jacob catches on pretty quickly with everything. He can catch the gist of what we are trying to say. He seems to be very smart. He catches on quickly, and learns fast.  Jacob even tries to repeat English words that Elijah says. Rob took the boys for a run in the stroller this morning. They had a blast. When they came back, Elijah said, "Mommyyyyyyy!" And Jacob looked at me and said, "Mommy!" with a huge smile. I almost cried. He finally said my name! 

We are still struggling with getting him to self-feed. Sometimes he does it, but a lot of times he doesn't. I think this is another area of regression, but I think it might be mixed with some cultural issues that we are not aware of. We figured some of the cultural issues were with him needing the head male to eat first, and with turning your head from an elder. When he does self-feed, he looks to us for approval before almost every bite. Some more of i could be that the food is new to him. He seemed unfamiliar with some of the fruits that we have. 

So here we are. Watching our boys bond, and getting to know our Jacob. I can't wait to see what the days ahead bring.

Last Full Day in Korea

Our last day before we fly out! We had a day of ups and downs today. Jacob had a fitful sleep. He was all over the bed and whined in his sleep. Bless his heart. He woke up about 7:30 or so. He got out of bed and got a toy. I turned the light on, and reality hit him. He let out a moan, climbed back in bed and would NOT wake up. We tried to coax him with food and toys, but it did not work. He was like a newborn baby - completely limp and slept through anything we tried to do to wake him. This is a normal coping mechanism for grief. So we took the opportunity to snuggle him. Church started at 11:30, so at about 10 we got him dressed and managed to wake him up long enough to spoon yogurt in his mouth. I wore him in my carrier, and he slept most of the way to church (about 45 minutes in the metro). He woke up for a little bit on the trip, and some older ladies were there. I didn't know what they were saying, but they were pointing to their checks and looking at Jacob. I fought back tears because I didn't know what they were saying, but he does. Luckily he fell back asleep while they were still talking. It may have been innocent, but I wished they would just leave us alone.

We went to an English speaking church in Seoul. The pastor is Korean, but he is from the US. He is also very actively involved in adoption advocacy. He works with other organizations to promote domestic adoption and to stop the quota for international adoption. Church was really great. And Jacob did a great job. As soon as we got there, I took him out of the carrier and he woke up. We had a magnadoodle type thing that he played with. He sat on my lap for a while, and then sat next to me. He was so cute playing with his toy. He sang softly to himself. There was another child his age right behind us. They passed the magnadoodle back and forth under the chair for a little while. You could see that he was making sure it was ok with me. At first he dropped it and the other kid kicked it back to him. Jacob kicked it back and the other kid kicked it back again. Jacob looked at me as he slowly started to kick it again. I said yes and he felt free to play. So sweet. After church, we went up front and thanked the pastor for his work with adoption. He prayed for us, and we went back to the hotel. 

We were all very hungry by this point. We made some lunch, and Jacob climbed up into his chair, and grabbed his chopsticks and waited. I told him he could eat, but he looked to Rob. Rob told him he could eat and he dug in. Rice and chicken. Every couple of bites he would look to us to make sure it was ok. I think this might be a cultural thing. He also turned away with most bites. I am not 100% sure, but I think this might be a cultural thing as well. He chowed down - the first time I saw him eat a whole meal on his own! Then we played. We had such a great time throwing the ball back and forth. We laughed so hard. It was really wonderful. And he would run to Rob, jump into his arms, then run to me and jump into my arms. It was such a fun and special time. And if his cars that he lined up got out of place, he would have to stop and put them back into place. Kind of reminds me of Rob. With Rob, it is dishes. If there is a dish in the sink, Rob physically cannot do anything until it is put away. Even if something more important comes up. *Sigh* Rob suggested that he and Jacob can have their own space to obsessively clean and Elijah and I can't leave our stuff laying around there. For the record, Elijah and I are not messy. I prefer to call it clean clutter. Anyways, we had such a wonderful time. We even jumped on the bed and wrestled with Jacob. He had a blast and was laughing so hard!

We had dinner, and it went just as well as lunch. This time, we had spaghetti and Korean dumplings. He ate some of the spaghetti, but he chowed down on the dumplings. I got a video of him being so cute and using his chopsticks. He would take a dumpling, dip it in Kimchi (he did this because he saw Rob do it), and then eat it. I could not get over how cute it was to watch him skillfully maneuver those chopsticks!

Then we started packing. I was taking out all of the stuff his foster mom had given us for him - all his toys and stuff. Everything we brought out he would gasp and get excited. He would hold it for a second and then move on to the next thing. Once we were all packed, he was playing on the floor with a few toys we had left out. Suddenly he started crying. It was a sad cry. I scooped him up and rocked him in my arms while he cried. It was the same cry from the car ride away from the agency, but this time he melted into my arms rather than pushing me away. He allowed us to comfort him. We acknowledged that he was sad, and that it was ok to be sad. We assured him that he was coming with us. We showed him his stuff packed in the bag. He calmed down. We got him ready for bed and watched Thomas until he fell asleep. His sleep has been much more restful (it is about 4am here).

I am ready to be home, but not excited about the plane ride. I hope that one day we can come back to Korea and be able to see more and experience more of the culture. Here are some of my impressions. Seoul is a very busy city. It is lively all day and all night. Except at around 7am on Sunday - weird. The traffic is bad, but I'd say NY city is worse. And there are less cabs. And more minivans. Probably most people take either the bus or metro. And everyone seems to have smartphones. And some of them are pretty big. On the metro, most all of the younger people were playing with their phones with their earbuds in. People were very friendly. If we were holding the map and looking lost, someone always stopped and asked to help. Every time. People offered up their seats on the metro to older people, disabled, and people with children. People smile and bow. People don't push you out of the way to get somewhere. Cars won't run you over if you are walking in the middle of the crosswalk. In fact, they wait for you to cross! So even though it is a big city, the people are still friendly like a small town. The air smells of smog and Korean food. You also don't hear people beep their horns. And between the buses, train, taxis and metro, it is very easy and inexpensive to get around Seoul. And prices for most things aren't all that high. Except fresh produce.

I'm sure I'll think of more for a later post, but for now, I will leave you with the view from our hotel room.

First Full Day Together

So we decided to go out and do something together today, rather than just sit in the hotel. We wanted to go somewhere mainly inside. So we decided on this indoor amusement park called Lotte World. As we were walking up, Jacob seemed excited! We walked in and...wow. I don't know how to explain it. Jacob may not have sensory issues, but after a few hours there, Rob and I did. It was sensory overload. It is huge. It has a bunch of rides all crammed into a small area. (yes, it was both huge AND small. Huge, but not large enough for the amount of rides they have) We rode a few rides, and Jacob loved watching the monorail ride go around (the line for that ride was 45 minutes - so we just watched it). We ate lunch, and Jacob managed to fall asleep in his stroller. How? I don't know. We left after lunch and Rob and I were spent. When I got back, someone had mentioned on facebook about a nice museum with a great kids area. That probably would have been the right choice. Oh well! We spend the rest of the afternoon at the hotel. It was really a great afternoon. I think we got to see the real Jacob. He was doing things that the foster mom had said he does. He was lining up his cars in this pattern that reminded me of rush hour traffic in Seoul. He was playing much more naturally. We have this book that is about numbers. Each page has a number on it - 1-10. And there are buttons on the right side that have the numbers. You push the button with the number that matches the number on the page, and it says a number and plays a sound. He loved it. We went through it over and over again. And he know all his numbers! He was so cute chatting away in Korean, and watching him think through each match. Our hotel has an Outback in it, so we decided to order some take-out. We were told Jacob only ate Korean food, so we offered him both Korean food and some Outback. He was a little hesitant at first about the Outback food, but he warmed up quickly to it. :) We were told that he doesn't like the shower, and we don't have a tub in our hotel, so we gave him a wipe down and got in bed. We turned on Thomas, and after a little while, he was out.

He is such a sweet and thoughtful child. He seems to be very gentle. These are all things his foster mom said to describe him, so I think we are seeing the real him. Which is huge. Many kids don't trust that quickly to show their real self for a while.

The attachment process is going well on all 3 sides. Many people do not realize that attachment isn't just about a child attaching to his/her parents. The parents also need to attach and bond. This is something I didn't realize when we brought Elijah home - and he was a complete stranger to me. Many people think adoptive parents are instantly bonded, but that isn't always true. I haven't had 9 months of feeling the baby move inside me. That is very bonding for a mother and child. When Elijah came home, I beat myself up about it. But I realized that bonding and attaching comes with time. And love grows. As you do the tasks of caring for a child, skin-to-skin contact, playing, eye contact - those all foster attachment. And love grows. I am head over heals for Elijah now. And the process has begun with Jacob. I can see how easily he trusts us. He feel asleep in Rob's arms on the subway. He doesn't fear bedtime. He allows us to comfort him when he is sad or falls down and hurts himself. When we hold him, he has started holding us back. He is allowing for eye contact. All these are signs of trust. He even ran up to Rob and threw his arms around Rob's legs. He calls Rob "Daddy". He has called me "Mommy" one time. And I know he called me Mommy to his foster mom. But that one may be a little tougher for him right now. Which is understandable.

There has been a little regression in a few areas. One is potty training. He was fully day trained, but we have kept a pull-up on him, and he has gone in that. Except when we got back to the hotel, his pull-up was dry. I put him on the potty, and he pee'd! Yay! He hasn't pooped much - that is not uncommon for grieving children. Another area of regression is eating. He had been able to eat on his own, but now I feed him for every meal. That is the only way he will eat. He drinks fine on his own. But I don't mind. I actually like it. It is good for bonding anyways.

Rob and I have enjoyed our time in Seoul, but now that we have Jacob, we are desperately home sick. We were told over and over again that adoption travel is NOT a vacation. And it is true. And we are ready to go home. We both miss Elijah so much. I can't wait to get home to him. We have skyped with  him every day - sometimes twice a day. My mom is taking good care of him. I can't wait to get back and start our new life. Seoul is a big city. A HUGE city. And we are not big city type people. We love Williamsburg, and we are ready to get back. Maybe one day we will be back for vacation and really get to see the tourist things. With only 1 free day, we didn't have much time. And the DMZ was at the top of our list, so I am glad we saw that. We leave Monday, so we still have 1 more day in Seoul and then the long flight home. Please pray for us!

Gotcha Day

The day we have been anticipating for the last year and a half finally happened! Jacob is finally with us. It was an emotional day. We picked him up in the afternoon. When we got there, Jacob and his foster mom were pulling up at the same time. Her son and his wife had driven her. We went to a meeting room and played with him for a little bit more. We talked and asked a few more questions. And then the social worker said that it was time. So we went downstairs and into the lobby. Jacob's foster mom was being so brave for him. She was doing all the right things. She was really holding it together for him. She was on the verge of tears, but she was putting on a brave face. She loves him very much. The head of the agency came out, and she said a prayer for us. A driver from Eastern was bringing us back to the hotel. So we gathered our stuff, and Jacob's foster mom carried him to the car. We got in and she handed him to us. His foster brother (and wife), foster mom, social worker, and Dr. Kim (the head of the agency), waved good bye and closed the door. And he screamed. Like a gut-wrenching scream. The drive was about 15 minutes, but it felt like forever. He cried and screamed so loudly. It was the cry of a truly heartbroken child. He looked out the back window and screamed and cried. He calmed down right before we pulled up to the hotel.

The first thing we did was pull out the toys. He seemed happy about the Thomas toys, so we brought out our Thomas DVD. And Thomas saved the day. A few minutes into the movie, he was happy and and laughing and pointing to all the trains. The rest of the evening was all laughs and smiles as we played with toys and a beach ball and trucks and trains. He was extremely silly and hyper. I'm not sure if his silliness was a way of coping (which is not uncommon), or really him. I think it was a way of coping. It was pretty over the top.

At about 8pm, we all got in bed and turned on Thomas. Within a few minutes, he dozed off and slept soundly the entire night. He didn't wake up until 7am! That is great! And he certainly sleeps all over the bed. He likes to be touching at least one of us during the night. It was so precious. We were so happy that he slept so well! We didn't anticipate getting much sleep. I will leave you with some pictures of us goofing around with the webcam.

First Meeting!

It finally happened! Yesterday we met Jacob! We were so nervous. At breakfast we both were both extremely anxious. We came back to our room and I felt like I needed to read my devotional. So Rob and I read. It is a day-by-day devotional, and has a set devotion for every day in a year. I kid you not, July 26 devotional was made just for us. The devotional take scripture and makes it into a note from God to us. And the first sentence of the day was: "Relax and let Me lead you through this day." It continued, "You tend to peer anxiously into the day that is before you, trying to figure out what to do, and when.... As you look to Me, I show you what to do now and next.... When you let Me direct your steps, you are set free to enjoy Me and to find what I have prepared for you this day." Wow. We spent some time in prayer and felt MUCH better. God is so good.

We got to the agency a little early and hung out in the cafe. Finally we decided we couldn't wait anymore, so we found our social worker and she brought us into a room. We got a "pre-flight" report that gave us a whole lot of information on Jacob and what he likes and doesn't like. We got his passport and the mysterious sealed envelope for immigration (those of you who have been here know what I mean). Another social worker told us that it just has all our information that we sent them. We filled out another form, and then she said, "He is here to meet you!" We went up to one of the meeting rooms. The rooms are filled with toys. We walked in, and there he was! Real. Not a picture. The pre-flight report said that he looked at the book that we sent him with pictures in it and our voice reading a story. And if asked, he can point to the pictures and point out "Mommy" and "Daddy". !!! So when we first saw him, I saw a look in his eyes that was like, "Hey! I know you guys!" He got shy and smiled. Then continued playing. His foster mom told him that it is Mommy and Daddy, and he seemed fine with that. He let us play with him and interact. And touch him. It was so fun! He was playing and laughing. And as the time went on, he was talking and interacting with us. I got a chance to talk to his foster mother and ask questions. It was wonderful. I can tell how much she loves him. She has taken such good care of him. I can't imagine what she is going through right now. When she talked about him, her face lit up. At the end she gave us hugs and said to "take good care of him." I think she was holding back tears. She really does love him. She gave us a huge bag filled with his favorite toys, clothes, music CDs, his hanbok, his lotions, and pictures on a thumb drive and some disposable cameras to develop. And guess what? He loves Thomas and Friends! Which is GREAT news, because Elijah loves Thomas as well. Which means we already have a ton of Thomas toys. And we brought 3 Thomas DVDs. Today we take custody of him.

After our meeting, we had lunch with the head of Eastern, Dr. Kim. There were about 7 other couples there adopting this week as well. Then we had lunch at the agency. Then we went and volunteered at the baby house. It was overwhelming. There were 77 babies there!! And almost all of them were only a couple weeks old. We calmed crying babies and fed crying babies. There was a baby that was a little older (6 months old) who was there for respite for his foster parents. He had been there only 2 days and wasn't supposed to be there for long. So I took him for a while and helped him try to sit and stand and walk holding my hands. Then he gave me a big yawn. I rocked him and within seconds he was out. I went to put him down in his crib, and without opening his eyes, he screamed and kicked. I picked him up and he settled down immediately. I tried again with the same result. I tried putting him on his stomach, his side, his back. I tried rubbing his back. He just screamed with closed eyes. So I picked him up again, and he quieted down again. So I carried him around while I helped feed some other babies. Then I went into a quiet room, put him on my chest, like I used to do with Elijah, and he just slept. Then they came in with his bottle. After he ate, he was super happy and was ready to play in his crib. Rob was handed a beautiful baby girl, and after he fed her, she feel fast asleep. And for the next like 2 hours, Rob stared at her while she slept in his arms. It was the sweetest thing. I didn't think he was going to be able to let her go! Looking at all those babies broke my heart. I couldn't help but cry. All of these babies are waiting. And hoping that they will be adopted. They have to wait until the child is 5 months old before they are available for international adoption. I hope they all find families very soon. They need families.

When we left, we were emotionally, mentally, and physically drained. That is why I am not writing until now. We leave soon to take custody, so I will leave you with these photos:

DMZ

In the last year, we have watched every documentary about North Korea that Netflix offers. We have listened to every news story about North Korea. And there is always a lot. We have been so moved by stories of those who have escaped and so burdened for those who remain. If you are unfamiliar with the situation in North Korea, I'll give you a nutshell. They keep their people completely in the dark. Literally and figuratively. The people are starving. Famine is widespread. The communist government prevents anyone from leaving. They are not allowed to hear about news from the outside world. They are told only what the government wants them to hear - most of which is not true or half truths. Most "commoners" in North Korea are starving or have very little food. When rations are divided up by the government, the people in the "party" (governmental party) are given the most food. They tell their people that South Korea is in poverty and democracy is not working. They have anti-American propaganda. And the North and the South fought a war that never ended. They signed a cease-fire and tensions are still high today. Just like the iron curtain divided Europe in the Cold War, there is a Military Demarcation Line (MDL) that divides North and South Korea. The Cold War is still alive in Korea. This boarder (the MDL) is the most heavily guarded boarder in the world. And Rob and I couldn't pass up the opportunity to check it out.

We were supposed to take a morning tour, but we were 10 minutes late and missed that tour (those who know me well are not surprised about this!). But it worked out well, because we had gotten a map from our hotel that was basically a huge flyer for another tour company. We called them and managed to get a private tour. The tour guide came and picked us up and drove us out there. You can't just go up to the MDL and take a look. There is a large space on either side called the Demilitarized Zone (DMZ). The only thing in the DMZ is landmines and lots of wildlife. People are not allowed to go through it. Many people have died trying to escape North Korea through the DMZ. There are some places where the DMZ is wide and you can't see North Korea, and there are other places where it is more narrow, and you can see. As we were driving, there was a very narrow part where you could clearly see North Korea without binoculars. Both sides have thick barbed wire fences. You can see the lush area of South Korea. And then the barren area of North Korea. Our guide explained that the North is MUCH more mountainous that the South. You could see lots of mountains, but the mountains are bare. They are not lush. They are brown. They have cut down all the trees. At one point, the DMZ was only a river and it was not very wide. You could see the boarders lined on both sides with bunkers and watch towers. It was so eerie to see. It is basically a stand-off. Our tour guide told us that the North has a dam that they use to control the water level. The last time they opened it suddenly and it was like a tsunami. Several people died. In places where the DMZ is narrow (like this particular place), there are abandoned towns in the South. No one wants to live that close to the North.

Koreans in the South hope for reunification. Most all monuments refer to this. Our first stop was at Imjingak. There were several things at this stop. One was the Bell of peace. It represents the hope for peace and unification of Korea in the 21st century. There are 21 steps going up to the bell, and the bell weighs 21 tons.

There was also some tributes to the Korean War. One was an old train that symbolizes the division of North and South. It was left in the DMZ after it was bombed during the Korean War. You can see thousands of bullet holes in it. Another thing is the Bridge of Freedom. It was built in 1953 to free prisoners. The prisoners were driven to the bridge and walked across to freedom.

Our next stop was the 3rd tunnel. The South has found 4 tunnels that the North Korean military built in an effort to invade the South. The built the tunnels to go under the MDL and DMZ. In the case of the 3rd tunnel, a North Korean defector tipped them off about it. South Korea drilled down in several places and poured water into their drilling. Finally they found a spot where the water went straight through. They dug an interception tunnel and discovered it. The North Koreans ran away and painted black marks on the walls claiming that they were actually mining for coal. But there is no coal in that area. We actually got to walk down and into the tunnel. We went under the DMZ in the tunnel and up to the first blockade (there are 3). You could look through to the second. The MDL was not far at that point. It was barely tall enough for me to stand, and I had to duck in some spots. It wasn't wide either. And you could see the spots where they had inserted dynamite into the rock to blast their way through. Our guide told us that the North Koreans would explode something on their side at the same time as dynamite exploded in the tunnel so that it wouldn't be heard. We couldn't take pictures in the tunnel, but I got some good mental pictures. And the climb back up is very steep. It was quite a workout! Our guide said it is estimated that there are probably many many more of these tunnels that they had tried to build that weren't discovered.

Next we went to my favorite part. The Dora observatory. It is the highest point and you can get a really good look into North Korea. The only connection that North and South Korea has is a road. And the only people that travel that road is trucks going to an industrial building where some North Koreans work. They manufacture goods that the South turns around and exports. They can pay workers really cheep in North Korea. South Korea even strung up electricity to power the building. That building is one of the very few places in the country that has power. If you look at a satellite picture at night, you can see lights covering the South, and almost no light in the North. There are binoculars at the observatory that you can see a whole lot. There is an interference tower that scrambles South Korean channels so people in the North can't see it. However, some South Koreans can pick up North Korean channels. It is mostly propaganda (for those that are members of the party and have electricity). You could also see parts of the Joint Security Area (JSA). It used to be that the entire JSA was the only place that military personal could pass over the MDL. However, there was an incident where some US soldiers decided to trim a tree that was blocking their view, and the North Koreans didn't like it. They got in a fight, and the North Korean soldiers killed 2 American soldiers. The leader of North Korea apologized, but the damage was done. So they divided up the JSA and now the standoff of the soldiers is very close there. South Korean soldiers aren't able to get too close to the boarder. North Korean soldiers have in the past tried to pull them over the boarder. And North Korean soldiers also aren't allowed to come close. Some have tried to defect that way, so they don't let the soldiers get close without having another soldier behind him to shoot if necessary. You can also see some houses. It used to be that no one lived in those houses. It used to be a propaganda village to try to show the South that they have houses and make them think they are doing fine. But now the workers at the factory live there. I managed to see 1 person in North Korea walking around. I prayed so hard for that person. The difference in the countries is stark. And you can tell just by looking at this one area. I am sure it is even worse further in. This is there "best foot" forward. Yikes. You could only take pictures from further back. In the background of the second picture (behind the guy waving), you can see North Korea (kind of). There is grass in the summer, but our guide said that it is completely brown in the winter. It looked pretty brown already.

Our last stop was to a train station. Dorasan Station. It is the last train station in South Korea before the DMZ. They have it all set up for unification. They have immigration area ready to receive North Koreans and and a train area that says it goes to the furthest train station in North Korea. The hope is that they will one day be able to open the countries to each other for travel and trade. My guess: this probably won't happen until communism falls in North Korea. Or until this type of oppression falls. Our guide told us that Koreans in the North didn't used to know the truth about the prosperity in the South. But one time the North sent players to play some sort of sports game in the South, and sent some people to cheer them on. It was mostly people high up in the party, but there were some "commoners". And they saw the truth. And they told the truth when they got back to North Korea. And one lady lost her life for telling the truth. 

That concluded our tour, and I dozed off on our way back to the hotel from the DMZ. My body was telling me it was 3am! Here are a few more fun photos. The first one is a monument that symbolizes the split of the North and the South and the hope for unification.

We meet Jacob tomorrow morning. We are very excited and nervous. Can't wait to report on that!

We have arrived!

We got in yesterday and into our hotel! The flight was...long. I (Alexis) have been on international flights before. I remember being so tired coming from London to BWI. Yeah, this doesn't even compare. But I will say that Korean Air is excellent. The service is really nice. The flight attendants are wonderful. I am pretty sure I can guess their criteria for choosing flight attendants. Beautiful young women who are very friendly and professional. But they have video games and movies and documentaries available to watch. I played some games and watch The Lorax. Cute movie, but I heard that adoption comment people were talking about. Not a big fan of that comment, but the rest of the movie was cute. Rob watched a documentary and played games. We both also had our e-readers and spent most of the time reading. The plane was big and roomy. They did a great job of keeping the bathrooms from getting stinky. There was a family with a little boy about Elijah's age that was next to us. This little boy did great. He got a little whinny at times, but who can blame him? I felt a little whinny too. It is a LOOONG flight. I am praying that Jacob does as well. I was watching those parents for tips. :) Once we hit about 11 hours in the air, we were so tired. And then we hit some turbulence around Japan, and I sat there with a bag just in case. Ugh. We were both a little nauseous at that point. Once we got off, it took us less than 20 minutes to get through immigration, get our bags, and go through customs. It was pretty quiet in the airport. We got the bus straight to our hotel. Honestly, I am not sure how long the ride was. I was trying so hard not to fall asleep. But the bus was nice because we got to see Seoul. It is a HUGE city. And it is very spread out. Not like New York that has the centralized areas and then it goes out from there. It is just massive and spread out really far. Our hotel is very nice. We are staying at the Vabien II (for those of you who will be travelling soon!). They are friendly and the rooms are clean and nice. There is a kitchen and a washer/dryer. Also a little sofa. The beds are very firm (which is typical in Korea). Rob loves this fact! Today we are planning on doing a little sight seeing. We are going to the DMZ. We will update again soon! Thank you all for your prayers and support.

For Our Friends and Family

We are very excited to share our journey to Seoul to get our son and come back! So many of you have prayed for our family, waited impatiently with us, bought gifts for Jacob, and now rejoice with us as we travel to bring him home. We will be sharing updates with you via this blog to report on our trip and transition.

As we prepare to bring him home, we are asking for your help in assisting with Jacob's transition. We are all very excited and have been waiting for this moment for the past year and a half. He will be forever home! However, he does not realize that he is not already home. For the last 3 years, his foster parents have raised him and cared for him as though he is their son. We are so thankful for their love and dedication to his care. He has been with the same foster parents for the last 3 years, and we are so grateful for this. Saying good-bye to each other will be extremely difficult. I cannot imagine how his foster parents must be feelings. I also cannot imagine how confused Jacob will be when the time to say good-bye comes.

To Jacob, we are complete strangers. We look different and talk different. And we will be bringing him to the other side of the world to a different country, different house, different food...everything will be different. We know that Jacob will face huge adjustments in the coming weeks and months. He will also grieve the loss of his foster family. This will cause some confusion for him - will we leave him too? who is his immediate family?

We wanted to discuss with you all some decisions that we have made to help Jacob adjust to his new environment. We are planning to keep Jacob's world very quiet and small as he adjusts. For some children this takes a few weeks, for some it takes longer. It will be unlikely that we will have him at church for first few weeks. And even when we do have him there, we will not be dropping him off in the nursery for a while. We will decide when it is time to introduce him to people - it depends on how he transitions.

In addition to his adjustment to his new environment, we need to ensure that he attaches to us as his parents and bonds with us. Attachment takes time and care. It will happen over time as we meet his physical and emotional needs. Proper attachment is extremely important, and if it does not occur, it causes huge problems. So we are asking for your help. Once we reach the point that we are introducing him to others, we will still be working to form attachments. It will be a long time before we feel comfortable allowing anyone to care for, feed, hug or even hold Jacob. We want him to learn that we are his parents and we will always be there to meet his needs. If you see him and he asks you for a need - no matter how big or how small, please direct him to either Rob or I. Please do not attempt to meet the need. Even if he is asking for something small like a snack. Please know that we are making these decisions in the best interest of Jacob. We have come up with this plan after much prayer and research on the matter.

But that doesn't mean that we don't want you near us! Once we enlarge his world, we would love to have you meet him! Please feel free to come up and say hi. High fives or pats on the back are always good! We will expand his world as we see his adjustment and attachment has progressed. Thank you all so much. We could not have gotten to this point without all the support and prayers that we have received from all of you. We look forward to sharing this journey with you!