I strive to be honest about the joys and challenges of adoption without overburdening you with details, but I want to be clear: there are huge gains and great losses associated with adoption. There is joy and grief. It is wonderful and difficult.
The wait is grueling. You have no control and you have to just wait. There is no one to call and demand answers from - even if you do, you won't get any or you will jeopardize your adoption. Then the glorious day comes and you get to pick up your baby/child. But it is not quite as wonderful for your child as it is for you. Your child has just lost everything he/she has ever known. And that is after having already lost his/her birthmother. So this is loss number 2 (and for some kids it is loss number 3 or 4 or 5...). Then your child is taken away by strangers to a strange house to eat strange food and be spoken to in a strange language. The child has a lot to gain by this move, but he/she doesn't realize that and can't be expected to. The adjustment is often times difficult. And not just for the child. Siblings have to adjust.
And so do the adoptive parents. The child is just as much a stranger to them as they are to the child. Love is a daily choice for adoptive parents in those first few weeks. Sometimes even months. Those feelings of love grow with time as bonds are formed. As you weather life together and prove to be faithful, attachment follows. In the mean time, you must choose. Sometimes you feel love at first sight, but not usually. In the spirit of transparency, that is how it was for Rob and I with Elijah. We loved him and wanted him, but there was no "love at first sight". That grew as we met his needs and bonded. Now we are crazy about Elijah. And that is how it is with Jacob. We love him and want him forever. As we continue to meet his needs and get to know him, those feelings of love are growing. And we are excited to give both our boys all we can and provide for them and teach them to how to be men and teach them about Christ. And be there for him as he grieves his losses.
The last couple days he has been pretty quiet. He hasn't smiled as readily. He still has moments of fun with us, but he isn't all smiles. Not like the kid we see in pictures his foster mom sent him. I know it will take time. I can't wait to see the real him come out. He is emotionally fragile and cries at the drop of a hat. Even for small things, it takes longer than you would think to calm him down. He is coming around. I think it doesn't help that he hurt his lip. And he has a sore in his mouth. It seems to hurt him. I caught him dancing yesterday, and when I looked at him, he hid his face. So I know he'll get there. And in all reality, he is doing much better then some kids do. He wants to bond with both Rob and I. He makes an effort. He is such a good kid.
He is very smart. He can do a puzzle very easily. It only takes one time of showing him how to do something to pick up on it. He also is obedient. It doesn't take much to get him to obey when we ask him to do something - even sharing with his younger brother. He is picking up on English fairly easily. He imitates what we say and what Elijah says. He can understand most things that we say. He used to call himself "Jacob JinWon", but now he just calls himself "Jacob". He is funny about some things. He prefers his shoes and hat to be loose. He likes to make sure his plate and cup are in just the right spot in front of him. He is getting better about eating on his own, but he still looks to us for permission to take most bites. Unless he is very hungry! He is willing to try anything - which is great! He doesn't seem to like green veggies (see? smart!). He takes FOREVER to eat. He takes a bite. If he is using utensils, he puts it down. Then he chews it to death. He looks around. Takes a sip of drink. Then we have to remind him to take another bite. And it starts all over again. We are usually waiting around for like 20 minutes after everyone else is done. Which is tough for Elijah who tears through every meal. Again, unless he is really hungry. Sleep continues to be an issue, but even that is getting better. He falls asleep very easily, but one of us must be there while he sleeps. We have gotten to the point that we can be out of the room for a short amount of time, but if he halfway wakes up, looks for us and cries until we come and comfort him. I bought him a body pillow yesterday, and that helped out a lot. One of us still sleeps in his room at night, and stays in his room for nap times.
We had a doctor's appointment on Friday. The appointment went long, but good. I had a long list of things I wanted to ask the pediatrician. She is really great. Like really great! She came prepared to the appointment. She read through all his records and did some research on Rothmund-Thomson Syndrome. I asked her a million questions. Our next step is to get to some specialists. We are going to go to a pediatric geneticist at VCU children's hospital. I would like for him to be rediagnosed with RTS and for them to look for a genetic mutation. They didn't find one in the normal spot, but I'd like for them to look again and look for a different mutation that has always been his differential diagnosis. Just because they don't see the mutation, doesn't mean he doesn't have RTS. About 33% of patients don't have the mutation for RTS, but still have the diagnosis. There is still a lot of research still being done. We are also going to a pediatric dermatologist at VCU and pediatric ophthalmologist in Newport News. I have a word of encouragement for anyone considering adopting a waiting child. Every diagnosis is different, but it seems to me that the special need isn't the toughest part. At least not at first. It is the transitioning. And every child - special needs or not - goes through that. So please do not be afraid to consider a waiting child!
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