Moving Forward

I just wanted to check in! We are all doing well over here. The first week of Rob back to work has gone well. It really helped me that I watched a friend's child for several months during the day. I was prepared for what it would be like to have 2, and I already had a system. I haven't had any problems so far. I have ran errands, gone grocery shopping, gone on walks, and taken them to the playground. Putting them down for a nap hasn't been an issue either. Luckily, both kids LOVE peanut butter and jelly sandwiches and fruit, so that has been an easy lunch. They are both EXTREMELY dramatic when it is time to get up from a nap. I find myself turning into a drill sargent. It goes a little something like this: "Time to wake up boys! I know you are still tired, but after a 2 hour nap, I don't want you up all night. Whining doesn't work on me, so get out of bed! Jacob, it doesn't matter to me if you don't want your diaper changed - you have to do it! Elijah, it is not too much work to go to the potty. No, I cannot carry you both down the stairs, so you both have to walk. You both have 2 legs, so stop whining and get downstairs! Get into your chairs for snack - I have seen you do it by yourself lots of times." Then I pull out the clementines for snack, and the whining suddenly stops. Goodness gracious!

But it is so wonderful. I really enjoy having 2. It is so much fun. They are such great kids. At nap time, Jacob took forever to fall asleep because he was up singing Veg.gie.Tal.es songs. It was very cute! 

Jacob is settling in very well. He seems very happy. He still gets very shy around strangers - which is understandable. We are trying to introduce him slowly to new things. He isn't afraid of going out of the house. He is really only hesitant about people coming up and talking to him. He takes awhile to warm up. Before dinner he threw a big tantrum because dinner wasn't ready exactly when he wanted it. Elijah does that sometimes too. In fact, so does Rob. :) These boys are hungry!

We had an appointment with the geneticist yesterday. She was very nice. She thinks that he likely does have Rothmund-Thomson syndrome. She didn't do any testing. She suggested that we wait and participate in the research studies. Which makes sense. They will have access to more. Plus it may cost us less. We have an appointment with the dermatologist coming up in a couple weeks. The geneticist said she would also like to hear what the dermatologist says. Jacob was not a happy camper when we had to take his shirt off to inspect. Poor guy. So next stop: dermatologist. Then ophthalmologist. Then, hopefully, Texas for the research study!

Taking a Step Back

So we have decided to step back from the potty training. He had been doing so well. Then yesterday he decided he did NOT want to do this anymore. He threw several huge tantrums and was holding in his poop. Finally, he got upset over something little and threw up. We immediately put his diaper back on. A couple hours later he pooped. He was a little weak the rest of the evening, but he got up and played. We gave him liquids only for the rest of the evening. He sang himself to sleep, and he woke up happy this morning.

Today is the first day of Rob being back to work. Elijah went to a playgroup this morning and Jacob and I went to the library. It has been a good day so far! Off I go to get the boys up from their nap!

Update!

We are plugging away over here! We decided to try potty training. At first it was like pulling teeth, but it is getting better. He can pee on the potty now. Although only when we initiate it - he isn't initiating it yet. But he certainly knows how to hold it. Especially his number 2. He didn't poop at all yesterday. Anyone have any tips on that (short of an enema!)? I know he has to go, because his diaper this morning had two tiny little pieces. Elijah was super easy to potty train, so I feel like I don't know what I am doing!

Jacob seems to be bulking up some. His diet in Korea was mainly rice and vegetables (according to his foster mother). She said he would spit out meat. But he certainly hasn't done that here. His appetite is increasing, and he is expanding his interests. He loves chicken. He was (and still is) a skinny little guy when he came home. Very healthy! Just thin. Which doesn't surprise me since he ate just rice and veggies! He is filling out some. At his doctor's visit, he was about 3/4 of an inch taller than Elijah but about .8 lb lighter than Elijah. Keep in mind that Elijah is pretty tall and he is also filling out some (which is what he does right before a growth spurt). Jacob was average height and close to the 25 percentile for weight (which is fine - his BMI is normal). I think I might put him on our scale and see where he is at now.

His grieving seems to go in waves. This morning he was a little sad, but once he ate he got better. He and Elijah have been happily playing. Jacob talked to Elijah in Korean, and Elijah seemed to understand it. Elijah stood up and said, "Ok" and walked over to where Jacob had been pointing. They also sang a Vegg.ie.tales song together. I can tell how much they love having each other, and their bond is really growing. In fact, we have to be intentional about separating the boys sometimes so that we can bond with Jacob as well. Which is a great problem to have!

Bonding and attachment takes time. But I can tell we have a great head start. He comes to us for comfort. He seems to trust that we will take care of him. He makes good eye contact. He seems to be much more on the serious side than Elijah is, but he gives us lots of smiles! And he will give kisses when we ask for them (which I LOVE). And he often walks around singing! :) His English is improving a lot. He can count mostly to 10 in English, and he seems to understand almost everything we say.

Bedtime is WAY better. We can just put him in his bed, put our hand on him for a second, tell him it is ok, and walk away. Having a body pillow for him to cuddle has been great. He doesn't cry anymore. I think it has also helped that we don't go straight from playing to getting ready for bed anymore. Since we have switched it, he hops right upstairs and into his bath happily.

I thought we had lots of bumps and scrapes and bruises with just Elijah. I was wrong! They play off of each other and run around a lot. Elijah has scraped himself in the same spot on his knee 4 times. And that is just 1 knee. Jacob is a little more careful than Elijah, but he still gets his fair share of bumps. Little boys are rough and tumble, but so much fun!

I know I have said this before, but I want to reemphasize that this transition has been extremely easy. For many people, sleep issues persist for 6 months to a year (not wanting to sleep alone and night terrors mainly).  Attachment issues have also been at a minimum for him. He doesn't have any sensory integration problems (which is also very common). He is getting his grief out in healthy ways. We were completely prepared for his special needs. He doesn't seem to have any trouble learning new things. I am not saying things couldn't change and get difficult. But we have been surprised at how easy it has been. We have been wondering if this is God's way of pushing us on to the next adoption.

2 Weeks Together

So Jacob has been with us for 2 weeks! And he is settling in nicely. He is acting just as his foster mother described. And he is smiling MUCH more! And....he has started giving kisses!!! He's not quite as huggy and kissy as Elijah - he gives hugs and kisses all day without me even having to ask for most of them. I still ask for them with Jacob, but I am happy with this victory!

When we met his foster mother, we asked lots of questions. One of those questions was what makes him upset. The only thing she said was "going to bed". And she said it with emphasis. We try to keep a tight nap and bedtime schedule. I feel it makes a big difference. I don't think Jacob is used to this. We were told that he doesn't usually nap, and if he does, he doesn't go to bed until like 11pm. Yikes! He fell easily into our schedule. But now he is feeling more comfortable to give us some push back. A couple nights ago he started whining when we go upstairs for nighttime bath/bed, and he started whining when we go for nap. He even started whining when we change his diaper. And it sometimes escalates into a very whiny cry with little to no tears. Once he is in bed, he calms down, but it is the anticipation. He just doesn't want to stop playing. He points to go downstairs.

We tried reasoning with him, and we tried comforting him. None of that was working. So we decided to change our approach starting yesterday. With a small whine, we redirect, but we keep pushing him through the routine. If he starts to get to his whine/cry (the one with no tears), then we continue to push him through the routine without giving much acknowledgement to the cry. Remember that we are still in the bonding/attachment phase, so leaving him alone to throw his tantrum or spanking is not an option. We also changed the nighttime routine slightly. We were doing: dinner, outside playtime, bath, and then bed. We changed it yesterday to outside playtime, dinner, bath and then bed. That way he isn't going from playing straight to getting ready for bed. And it worked much better. He still whined, but not nearly as bad. He is very smart, and I think he will catch on quick. Especially since we are starting from the beginning that the whining doesn't work on us. And I think he liked that. In fact, he wasn't completely asleep when we left him in his room. He managed to fall asleep without us in the room! And a couple nights ago he started sleeping through the night without us in there. Yay! These are really big accomplishments. Just for a point of reference, we were told that most kids don't reach this point until about 6 months to a year after placement. So this is HUGE! He even woke up this morning and sang in his bed until we came and got him. Hopefully he re-potty trains this easy. Maybe I'll start that in a week or 2. We also learned the hard way that skipping even 1 nap is not a good idea. We'll work up to that, but for now, a nap every day is in order!

In other news, Rob starts back to work on Monday. I am not looking forward to it. I am not concerned about whether I can handle two, but it is more about being spoiled by having Rob here to share the responsibilities. Also, we Daisy found a burrow in our yard of mice. Or voles. Not sure which one. And our neighbor found snakes - one her deck and one in her basement, so I'm pretty sure the two are related. I hope we don't get snakes! Or maybe just in our yard so they eat the rodents. But I just don't want either in the house. So now we have to deal with that and trying to keep Daisy from eating them. Yep, you read that right - eating them. That is how we found out we had them. She brought one inside last night and ate it. Then vomited in the middle of the night. I almost vomited too. I am waiting to hear back from the exterminator as to what we should do/what they can do. I want them gone before Rob goes back to work.

A Great Day!

So, many of you must have been praying after my last post! It may have come across as a little bit of a downer, but I am hoping that you see it more as a reality check. But we had a great day today, and I wanted to post about it.

We had a quiet morning at home. Jacob likes being at home, but it seems to be that when we go out, he clams up. Our first thought was that maybe he isn't ready to go out, but then we decided that maybe going out with just our family and then coming home would be good for him to feel secure. So after nap time, we went out.

We went to pet.sm.art and looked at the birds, fish, rodents, reptiles, and cats. The boys had a blast, and Jacob started to open up. He only wanted to be held if he wanted see something that was up high. He was running around and even cracked a few smiles. He was very interested in the animals, and he enjoyed looking at them. And Elijah had fun too. Elijah was so excited to see the animals. This is the first time I have brought him to the pet store. So that was a hit!

And then we went out to eat. We went to a local Korean restaurant. We were a little concerned that it might be too soon, but turns out it wasn't. He ate so good! The only thing that didn't work out is he ate something that hurt the sore in his mouth. And he screamed and cried. He has some lungs on him, so the entire restaurant was looking at us. I don't really care, though. After he calmed down, I announced (now that we had everyone's attention) that he had a sore in his mouth and the food hurt him. So back to eating. He cracked a few more smiles. He was so cute with his chop sticks. Even Elijah tried to use them!

Then we went to a playground. The boys had a blast. It was 7pm by this time, and the sun was below the trees. It was beautiful weather. We all had such a great time. Jacob was laughing and smiling. Then we all held hands on the way back to the car. We ran down this little hill, and it was like something from a movie. The boys were laughing and had a great time. Then Jacob smiled and sang all the way home - in the car! in his carseat! !!!! HUGE! Thank you for your prayers as he continues to adjust!

Doctor Appointment and Settling In

I strive to be honest about the joys and challenges of adoption without overburdening you with details, but I want to be clear: there are huge gains and great losses associated with adoption. There is joy and grief. It is wonderful and difficult.

The wait is grueling. You have no control and you have to just wait. There is no one to call and demand answers from - even if you do, you won't get any or you will jeopardize your adoption. Then the glorious day comes and you get to pick up your baby/child. But it is not quite as wonderful for your child as it is for you. Your child has just lost everything he/she has ever known. And that is after having already lost his/her birthmother. So this is loss number 2 (and for some kids it is loss number 3 or 4 or 5...). Then your child is taken away by strangers to a strange house to eat strange food and be spoken to in a strange language. The child has a lot to gain by this move, but he/she doesn't realize that and can't be expected to. The adjustment is often times difficult. And not just for the child. Siblings have to adjust.

And so do the adoptive parents. The child is just as much a stranger to them as they are to the child. Love is a daily choice for adoptive parents in those first few weeks. Sometimes even months. Those feelings of love grow with time as bonds are formed. As you weather life together and prove to be faithful, attachment follows. In the mean time, you must choose. Sometimes you feel love at first sight, but not usually. In the spirit of transparency, that is how it was for Rob and I with Elijah. We loved him and wanted him, but there was no "love at first sight". That grew as we met his needs and bonded. Now we are crazy about Elijah. And that is how it is with Jacob. We love him and want him forever. As we continue to meet his needs and get to know him, those feelings of love are growing. And we are excited to give both our boys all we can and provide for them and teach them to how to be men and teach them about Christ. And be there for him as he grieves his losses.

The last couple days he has been pretty quiet. He hasn't smiled as readily. He still has moments of fun with us, but he isn't all smiles. Not like the kid we see in pictures his foster mom sent him. I know it will take time. I can't wait to see the real him come out. He is emotionally fragile and cries at the drop of a hat. Even for small things, it takes longer than you would think to calm him down. He is coming around. I think it doesn't help that he hurt his lip. And he has a sore in his mouth. It seems to hurt him. I caught him dancing yesterday, and when I looked at him, he hid his face. So I know he'll get there. And in all reality, he is doing much better then some kids do. He wants to bond with both Rob and I. He makes an effort. He is such a good kid.

He is very smart. He can do a puzzle very easily. It only takes one time of showing him how to do something to pick up on it. He also is obedient. It doesn't take much to get him to obey when we ask him to do something - even sharing with his younger brother. He is picking up on English fairly easily. He imitates what we say and what Elijah says. He can understand most things that we say. He used to call himself "Jacob JinWon", but now he just calls himself "Jacob". He is funny about some things. He prefers his shoes and hat to be loose. He likes to make sure his plate and cup are in just the right spot in front of him. He is getting better about eating on his own, but he still looks to us for permission to take most bites. Unless he is very hungry! He is willing to try anything - which is great! He doesn't seem to like green veggies (see? smart!). He takes FOREVER to eat. He takes a bite. If he is using utensils, he puts it down. Then he chews it to death. He looks around. Takes a sip of drink. Then we have to remind him to take another bite. And it starts all over again. We are usually waiting around for like 20 minutes after everyone else is done. Which is tough for Elijah who tears through every meal. Again, unless he is really hungry. Sleep continues to be an issue, but even that is getting better. He falls asleep very easily, but one of us must be there while he sleeps. We have gotten to the point that we can be out of the room for a short amount of time, but if he halfway wakes up, looks for us and cries until we come and comfort him. I bought him a body pillow yesterday, and that helped out a lot. One of us still sleeps in his room at night, and stays in his room for nap times.

We had a doctor's appointment on Friday. The appointment went long, but good. I had a long list of things I wanted to ask the pediatrician. She is really great. Like really great! She came prepared to the appointment. She read through all his records and did some research on Rothmund-Thomson Syndrome. I asked her a million questions. Our next step is to get to some specialists. We are going to go to a pediatric geneticist at VCU children's hospital. I would like for him to be rediagnosed with RTS and for them to look for a genetic mutation. They didn't find one in the normal spot, but I'd like for them to look again and look for a different mutation that has always been his differential diagnosis. Just because they don't see the mutation, doesn't mean he doesn't have RTS. About 33% of patients don't have the mutation for RTS, but still have the diagnosis. There is still a lot of research still being done. We are also going to a pediatric dermatologist at VCU and pediatric ophthalmologist in Newport News. I have a word of encouragement for anyone considering adopting a waiting child. Every diagnosis is different, but it seems to me that the special need isn't the toughest part. At least not at first. It is the transitioning. And every child - special needs or not - goes through that. So please do not be afraid to consider a waiting child!

Photos!

I got batteries today for my camera, so I am finally posting photos! Just a quick check-in: it was a little tougher day. Jacob and Elijah were running in circles, and Jacob tripped and busted his lip. His lip and nose was bleeding, and his lip got swollen. Poor guy. And while Jacob was crying screaming and I was trying to stop the bleeding, Elijah came up and was about to touch some blood that had gotten on my pants. I sharply told him to not touch it. It was lunch time, and he gets a little sensitive when he is hungry. So he started crying. Thank the Lord that Rob was here! It would have been a little tough to deal with if he wasn't. Then Jacob's lip was too sensitive to eat, so he cried when he tried to eat. Then Elijah cried because first his hands were messy and second for Jacob. I think he was sad that Jacob was so sad. So off they went for naps. Jacob was still a little sore and grumpy when he woke up, but he got better after a little while and was back to normal (except his swollen lip).

This is still in Seoul in the Hotel

Also still in Seoul. Isn't he cute with those chopsticks?!

On the plane right before landing

Brothers meeting for the first time

They wasted no time and went straight for the trains as soon as we walked in the door

Watching Thomas

His swollen lip - poor thing!

Another Day

So our sleeping arrangements are a little moved around for now. Jacob is used to his foster mother sleeping next to him on the floor on a mat. This is a cultural thing, and almost all Koreans do this. So being alone in a strange room in a bed is a little scary if you have never done that. So I sleep in the bed with Jacob, and Rob sleeps on the floor. Jacob transitioned no problem into the bed. We have just had to be very careful, as he will roll right off. So we have had to move the guardrail to ensure his safety! He has slept all through the night both nights. But last night, I did not. He moved around so much. And I had to rescue him from rolling off a couple times (hence why we moved the guardrail around). And he whined in his sleep a little bit. And grinded his teeth a lot. I'm sure it is stress related. Poor little guy. I made a dentist appointment for him, so hopefully we can see if he has been always doing it, or if this is a temporary thing.

He has been adjusting really well. He and Elijah LOVE each other. They play so well together. Elijah loves to make Jacob laugh. Elijah is very affectionate, and he is always giving Jacob hugs and kisses. Jacob gives hugs to all of us (which is so cute to see the two of them hugging - we have never asked them to do it, they do it on their own!), but he has yet to give any kisses. Which is ok. He will come around! Elijah has proven to be a natural leader. Jacob follows Elijah around everywhere. And Elijah is not a bossy kid, so he handles it well. He sees Jacob as a great playmate. He even sets an example for Jacob. We put Elijah in his car seat and Jacob watched. And then he went into the car seat no problem - no wild animal screams. 

Jacob pee'd in the potty another time this morning, but has refused to try again today. I think it shows that he knows how to do it, he is just not ready yet. We made an outing today to Colonial Williamsburg and he and Elijah did great. They ate their Chi.ck-f.il-a and then played. There was a concert out there, so we brought our chairs and marked a little area for them to play. It was lots of fun. He even got to meet one of Elijah's best friends from next door. The three of them ran in circles in the front. So much energy! Sometimes Elijah and Jacob giggle about nothing! It is precious.

I can tell the attachment process is moving along well. He looks to us for approval and reassurance. He snuggles us so closely - especially when he is falling asleep. He trusts us. And he called me Mommy again today. He wanted me to go get something for him and he said, "Mommy! [insert Korean words in a pleading tone that I don't understand while he was pointing down the steps at a toy that had gone down there]." So of course I jumped up and did exactly what he wanted! As far as language, he talks a lot in Korean. We don't understand, but if he needs something, we can usually figure it out. And he is really starting to understand what we are saying. I told him to put the truck down and go get in his chair so we could eat. I didn't point or anything. And he did it. I was so proud of him! He has tried to imitate a few words in English already. I think he'll pick it up quick.

I am sorry that I don't have any pictures today. My camera died, and I need to get some more AA batteries tomorrow. So hopefully I can post some tomorrow!